About Me

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Happy-go-lucky concert goer yet hopeless romantic Taurean. I speak fluent Javanese, Indonesian, English, and Sarcasm. Forever in love with Liverpool FC, Children, L'Arc~en~Ciel, Cats, Chocolate, and Purple. Steven Gerrard is Legend. Iron Man is Superhero.

Thursday, 10 April 2014

My Time Will Come...

"My time will come..."
That line was taken from Martin Kelly's tweet when he found out that he couldn't be in the first team after got his injury recovered. It became my favorite line lately. I believe that everyone's got the right time and the right moment in life. The problem is, when?

Life is unfair and if I keep asking about when instead of why then I might not get the answer. Time is ticking and I can't stop thinking. I can figure out why my 6 yrs relationship failed, or why did I leave my hometown, also why I can never deal with Manchester United fans except My Brother. But I can't figure out when will I let myself free from my own thoughts. 

A few months ago I got a little surprise from My Sister. She told me that she might get married sooner than she thought and my Mom seconded that. At first I was like "wow, she's really getting settled that soon?" but then "how soon is soon?" cause she'll be 25 this year and as I remember, I used to see myself as "a young mother of 1 or 2 at 25". She's already passed my used-to-be minimum age limit for marriage, so it's not that soon.

I never see myself, My Sister and My Brother as grown ups. I always think that we're still the same old kids in the house. So when the news came up, I found myself in a sudden moment of silence. Not to pity myself or to feel completely envy but to contemplate myself more. I have been blessed with so many things in my life, some, My Sister couldn't achieve. I remember when I used to have a good time for bullying her that I could do better in many things but that's simply because an Older Sister's nature. I then began to think, "well, yeah, life is fair in its own way."

Apparently, this little surprise runs in the family. Mom and Dad were also dealt with the same situation in the past. Their Siblings got married first. Now I know what it's like. It's not that I'm not happy with the news, how can I not happy? She's my only Sister. It's just... well, I can't explain these mixed-emotions I have within me. My sister dated a lot. Not to say I never thought she'd settle down, but my Parents and I had a phrase going: Every time she'd bring a new boy home, we'd joke that he was the latest member of the Boyfriend of the Month club. So technically when she told me about the news, I was speechless. 

She'd been dating this guy for about five months (I guess...). I think I met him twice. People have to understand: This had nothing to do with me. I just had so many random thoughts and they're gone wild. Happy and sad at the same time. I was worried that My Sister was about to make the mistake of a lifetime since I barely knew the guy. Until she was hospitalised, I had my second thought about this guy. 

Last 2 weeks when I had a chance to visit home for a day, Mom told me that the proposal will be held tonight (April 10, 2014) exactly on his birthday and I said "ok, that's fine." I could see something that disrupted Mom's mind when she said those words. Me. She then started to soothe and compose me so that I'd feel fine with the whole sudden situation. To be honest, I'm not that fine. April is my month. I was born this month. I'll be a year older by the end of this month. 

The fact that I'm still on my own today is what worries Mom so much. It's not that I don't wanna be with someone but being suffered from a traumatic relationship is physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. Seriously, I want to settle down. Who doesn't? When? I don't know. I have no idea. Should I be worried? I don't think so. Well maybe a little since Mom has been there before. My only problem is that I always worry about what others think about me, even worse, about Mom. That I'm (more than) old enough to get married, that I'm not an eligible bachelorette cause I have no man to bring home, that Mom would be ashamed for having me as her daughter. THOSE. CRAPS.

"I hate those kind of traditions... that you have to get married before a certain age... if not, people will say stuff about you... I think it's ridiculous!"

"This weekend my uncle called me cause my dad is visiting them... and he asked me when do I get married... and I told him to fuck off"

Those encouraging lines I got from a stranger named Alex whom I knew 2 or 3 years ago. He is now my mood booster, my close friend, my private advisor, my I-don't-know-what's-going-on-between-us buddy who lives halfway around the world. I adore the way he sees life. He's a few years younger than me but he has a more mature mind. If only I could say "fuck off" to my relatives (which I believe they would attack me with the WHEN QUESTIONS), but I'm no Alex. Even when I have to deal with one scene in "27 Dresses" where Katherine Heigl's character, Jane, is confronted by an older aunt...

"Must be so hard to watch your younger sister get married before you," her aunt says, mentally wringing her hands.

As much I adore his freedom and independency, I value my family so much for blood is thicker than water. Besides, despite everyone's curiosity and concerns with my love life, when and if I ever decide to get married, is MY business, not theirs.  Some marry early and it lasts, some don't last. Some marry later and it lasts, some don't last. The only thing that really matters is MY choice! I'm not entitled to an opinion. I want to get married, but I do not want to get married for the wrong reasons. I would not take pressure from anyone including my Parents. So, I'll sit through the crazy questions and  I guess I just have to endure... :)

I will end this with some good wishes for my only Sister. I hope that this will be the ONLY marriage she ever had in her life. I hope his soon-to-be husband will love her more than I love her. He should be ready with her surprisingly swollen pillow face every morning, her sudden farts, her stupid karaoke singing and still love her for it all. I might ask her to watch tons of Japanese and Korean dramas once she got pregnant later so that I could have cute Asian nieces and nephews. I know I rarely say lovely things to you since it's not my style, but I want you to know that I love you so much. You're the only Sister I got (I can't believe I'm typing this with teary eyes), and you'll leave home soon. I'll be missing you a lot.

I should be prepared for being the "older, unmarried sister" at the party. Definitely isn't the best introduction but at least I'm not the cat lady – yet. Meanwhile, I want to have a good time and lead an exciting life before I settle down. WHEN? I don't know. Maybe waiting longer can pay off? *crossing fingers*

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